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I don’t know what to think anymore…

My mother spoke to me for what seems like the first two weeks, and nearly a week since she told me that the house needs to be sold. She listed the possibilities of what could happened.

She’ll most likely move to Dallas, where my older sister lives. Then she asked me if I thought about my options. She told me via text message about this, and doesn’t talk to me in person about it for six days. How am I supposed to respond to that?

Sure, I’ve been thinking about it, but I haven’t come up with any answers. She suggested coming along to Dallas, but I don’t think it would be in my best interest to leave my job just yet. Even if I stay, I’m worried that I won’t be able to afford the cost of living on my own.

I’ll most likely need to nix my vacation that I was planning all summer to take in two weeks. My mom’s not going for it, even after I said that I’d pay for her to go. It’s probably a good thing I didn’t book tickets for anything yet. I’ll really let Merida, Flynn, and Rapunzel down after promising to come visit them. But this should be the lesser of my problems right now.

I don’t know where I’m going to live. I don’t know what to do.

sisaat:

I should really go back to school sooner rather than later. I keep thinking about how I don’t want to spend three years in school to get a degree, but spending three more years at my shitty job (where I’ve been for seven years now) isn’t any better.

But what should I actually go study? I know I don’t want to go back in languages (the thing I dropped out of all those years ago), but I don’t know what else…  I’m pretty tempted by 3D animation, but they only take a limited number of people and I have few chances of getting in, so… I’m also not sure I would actually like doing that for a living.

My other option at this time is shipbuilding, which would require me to move in the middle of nowhere (as opposed to staying here). It has its pros, but… yeah. Also not sure I want to do that for a living. Or live in Rimouski. 

So I guess I’ll spend another three years thinking about it.

I don’t think I’d be any help, since you know I’m going through the same dilemma. For me, the easy route would to continue studying in education. I still want to study it, but I want to do something different than be stuck in a dead-end teaching job.

That’s why I thought Music Therapy was so right for me, since it would allow me to merge my two majors, child development and music, together. But there’s a limited selection of Music Therapy programs (only two in the state of California), so even if I chose to study that field, I would either have to move far down south or out-of-state (which could be a very likely situation). Then I gave up on music. It’s been so long, I’m not sure if I have it in me to get back into it. I knew that Music Therapy would’ve made me a decent living, which sadly seems like the only path that would’ve allowed me to do so.

You know I took up art again as a hobby when I started my full-time teaching job, but I doubt art is something I can pursue as a career. Not at my age or skill level. And I’d rather keep it as a hobby in fear that I’ll stop enjoying it if I tried to study it for a career. I wouldn’t know how to make money off of my art, anyway.

If I have to leave my home by the end of the year, then I hope to find out the answer soon.

Becky Robinson, President and Founder of Alley Cat Allies:

It started with two stray cats.

A man opened his heart to two beautiful, healthy cats who frequented his yard. He fed them and opened his garage to provide the two cats shelter. He couldn’t pet or hold the cats—so he called the animal shelter for help…

What did the shelter say? Did they impound the cats and kill them…or did they provide help with Trap-Neuter-Return (TNR) and ongoing care for the cats?

Your gift today will determine the outcome of thousands of cats in this exact situation. By supporting Alley Cat Allies, you have the power to influence shelters to protect cats.

Please help us meet our $58,735 end of year goal—so we can continue to change communities everywhere to create lifesaving programs for cats.

With your help, we are revolutionizing the way animal shelters care for cats—with every shelter that changes their policy countless lives are saved.

Please click here to donate $20 dollars or more—right now, before our fiscal year ends on July 31. We need to start our next fiscal year strong, but we can’t do it without you.

Thanks to your support, we are providing shelters with the resources and guidance they need to start TNR programs, neonatal kitten nurseries, and more! Programs that make a huge impact on lives saved each year.

So what happened to the two stray cats? They were trapped, neutered and vaccinated and returned home. But not all cats are this fortunate. For every shelter who has adopted compassionate programs, there are close to 10 animal shelters and pounds that are killing innocent healthy cats.

We’re passionate about saving lives, and with your help, every person who calls an animal shelter for help will receive a humane answer with a positive outcome.

It all depends on your support. We need you—right now—to raise $58,735 by July 31. Click here to donate. Your generosity will save lives today—and millions of cats from being killed in the future.

Together, we can stop the killing.

June Matics (Associate Director, Digital Media) of Alley Cat Allies:

There are so many cats who depend on us for help. With your support, we are truly changing the way shelters care for cats. We have $50,142.05 dollars to go in order to hit our year-end goal by July 31st. We need to start our new fiscal year off strong so we can influence more shelters to change—which, in turn, saves millions of lives.

Every day I see posts on Facebook and Twitter about the change sweeping the shelter system. Not only are shelters we’ve helped posting about their new lifesaving programs—but I’ve also heard from individuals who rallied to help bring these programs and changes to their community. Shelters and advocates both look to us for help—and we need your support to able to provide the resources and expert guidance they need to make lasting change.

Listen, everyone. They’re not going to make their goal by the deadline in three days unless we do some major signal boosting right now!

Next Summer…

My director really doesn’t have her act together, and left me (and another teacher) with a lacking summer program. We’ve got about four students every week, with only one teacher working at a time. There’s a little exchange between teachers before one arrives and the other leaves. I end up cutting into my hour lunch break just so I can fill her in about everything that’s been going on in the classroom so far that day, and just to talk in general.

It’s clear that our director doesn’t want to be involved at all, so one of the other teachers plans to run next summer’s program. We’ll have four teachers working full time, and more students that actually makes up a program. “Next summer…” That’s been the motto of this summer.

I’m so glad that my co-worker is back from her vacation. After my “I have no friends to talk to” ordeal, all she had to say to that was…

"Well, I’m you’re friend! You can always talk to me." I really don’t get how someone like her can be so nice, but I’m so grateful for her. I tell her everything that’s been going on. She tells me, “You’re not getting yourself more credit.” I wish I could believe that.

I just wish that, even if it were just two teachers working, we would rather work together. Teaching would be so much easier, and we would have more time to talk things out. 

There’s only two weeks of summer school left, and then there’s a week-and-a-half break before the academic year starts. I’m not looking forward to that, either. I’m not even thinking about it. The thought of having more students (24 in my classroom with two teachers, with a total of 44 students and four teachers between the two classrooms) is way too stressful.

"Next summer…"

I really don’t know anymore…

I know I keep saying that things are getting better, but it’s been so back-and-forth. I’m still not on speaking terms with my family. They think I’m just being rude and ignoring them. I don’t think they understand how I’ve been coping with things lately.

And that was another point I forgot to list yesterday as a contributing factor to my depression:

  • I don’t have any an outlet to vent things out. 

I don’t have a therapist, and more importantly, I don’t have any friends. I’ll always love my family. We’re close, but we’re around each other constantly. That’s fine for the most part, but I think it’s important for me to find other people to get a different perspective on things. 

And since I don’t have anyone to talk to in person, it ends up in these blog posts, and everyone is just like, “Whoa, man! Calm down. I had no idea. What’s going on with you?” Am I getting too personal that it freaks everyone out? I know I shouldn’t be bringing all this negativity here, but sometimes I don’t know what to do with these feelings, good or bad.

I end up needing my alone time from my family, especially with the bad mood that I’ve been in, so I go straight to my room (or the bathroom, or kitchen) without initiating any interaction. Unfortunately, instead of asking me what’s wrong, they just feed off my bad energy and ignore me right back. Now I’m at a point where I don’t know how get over myself and approach them.

I feel so miserable when I’m at home now, and I want things to be all right again, but I don’t how to talk to them anymore.

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